ransvestia

As I grew up, there were the usual prayers to wake up a girl and plenty of daydreams of how this might come about. I've come to realize that such a miracle will not suddenly occur, but I still long for feminine breasts and feelings, I guess I always will. I read many books, case histories, magazines, and of course [Via, but not before long years of confusion and fear.

My first contact with Via was in college, and it brought much needed relief and confidence but I was still afraid to make my first contact (how I wish I had). The usual guilt reactions caused me to destroy many copies of Via and at the prices these dirty book stores charge I was rapidly going broke. I lost contact and interest when I left college could break the habit

with the usual results.

thought I

In the twenty odd years I ve been dressing, I guess I've tried many, many, just too many ways to solve "my problem." I've repressed my feelings, and I've given full vent to them. I've lived alone and had room mates. I've been ashamed and proud of my condition. All attempts had the same results. I live an uneven pattern oscillating between mascu- Jine and feminine. Always swinging back and forth but never quite reaching a full 100% gender identity at either extreme. During each swing, I feel the need to express myself in feminine terms and dress in solitude if necessary (and prudent). I've never felt the development of a separate feminine personality. I feel as one person not truely man and not truely woman. I'll be the first to admit that the feminine is more attractive to me, but I can't really dismiss the masculine.

This makes for an odd mixture of visual and emotional self-images. Picture a large (disgustingly plump) physiological male in a nightgown bearing a 5 o'clock shadow! (I'm still a lazy enough male to hate shaving on Saturdays). By the same token picture a man window shopping at boutiques (only visualizing how the clothing would look on me).

Perhaps I'm still at an immature stage of FP development. Since I do not sense a feminine personality within (I've definitely ruled out fetishes and homosexuality) and maybe the future does hold a dual life of brother and sister. However, I think not since it would have to create a split in a single personality where no such division now exists.

For the last three years an important change has affected me. I met "the woman' - I would not have given even money on my chances for a realistic love life until I met her. She underscored my ability to do two